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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25337830">The Gourmands</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Plaid_Slytherin/pseuds/The_Plaid_Slytherin'>The_Plaid_Slytherin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Witcher (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Monster Eating</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:35:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>978</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25337830</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Plaid_Slytherin/pseuds/The_Plaid_Slytherin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Geralt and Jaskier ate the first monster out of desperation. They could not say that for the rest of them.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>126</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Eat Drink and Make Merry 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Gourmands</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meilan_Firaga/gifts">Meilan_Firaga</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jaskier could not remember the last time he'd had a decent meal. Weeks. It had definitely been weeks. They'd been trailing, of all things, a giant serpent, and giant serpents tended to eat a lot, so there had been very little hunting. </p><p>They'd had squirrel once—Geralt had impressed by catching it in his bare hands, but he had <i>not</i> impressed by being only able to catch one. Aside from that, it had been acorns. Jaskier had begun eyeing whatever it was Roach found to eat. </p><p>"I'm hungry," he said.</p><p>"Jaskier," Geralt hissed.</p><p>"I know, I know. Don't whine, Jaskier. I'm hungry, too, Jaskier. We're busy hunting a giant serpent, Jaskier." </p><p>"We're not hunting it. It's hunting us."</p><p>That got Jaskier to shut up quickly, as did the very loud slithering sound over the leaves behind him. Geralt shoved him to the ground. </p><p>Jaskier did not have the privilege of watching as Geralt dispatched the serpent, though he was sure he did it with his usual flair. Jaskier supposed it didn't matter if he didn't see <i>every</i> minute of a battle. He could elaborate when writing his song. </p><p>"When do we get paid?"</p><p>"We don't. I did this because some wizard fucked up and giant serpents should not be slithering around the countryside."</p><p>"Quite right. Do you think we can eat it?" </p><p>Geralt glared at him. It had probably just been instinct, though, because immediately after, there was a barely-audible "Hmm." </p><p>"I'm <i>hungry</i>." </p><p>Geralt pulled out his dagger. "Go and build a fire."</p><p>Before thirty minutes had elapsed, there were bits of serpent sizzling over the fire. </p><p>"It doesn't smell too bad," Jaskier allowed. "Snake steaks. I like the sound of that. Snake steaks." </p><p>Geralt prodded the snake steaks with a stick. "I don't <i>think</i> they'll be poisonous to you."</p><p>Jaskier gulped. "Well. That's a good thing." </p><p>His stomach rumbled. It was smelling better by the minute, which he knew was probably just the hunger talking. The sound of the meat sizzling and popping in the pan was almost too much to take. It had been ages since they'd actually had food they could <i>cook</i>. </p><p>Geralt added some herbs to the pan and stirred. </p><p>"These definitely won't be poisonous," he said. </p><p>"How are you sure about them and not the giant snake?" </p><p>"Because." Geralt lifted the snake steaks onto plates and handed one to Jaskier. "People eat herbs. People don't eat giant snakes."</p><p>"Someone's got to be first, then." Jaskier looked skeptically down at his plate. He'd rather it not be him. </p><p>He did not even have to ask, as Geralt had already begun shoveling it into his mouth. He didn't speak, and Jaskier waited on tenterhooks for a verdict.</p><p>The fact that Geralt didn't even come up for air was verdict enough.</p><p>Jaskier cut a tiny sliver off his snake steak and chewed it thoughtfully. </p><p>"Tastes like chicken." </p><p>Geralt looked at him. </p><p>"Well, it does! A little bit." </p><p>Geralt just grunted and went back to eating. </p><p>Jaskier decided to offer no more commentary. He was too busy also stuffing snake steak into his mouth. It <i>did</i> taste like chicken, though it had its own natural sort of spice to it. The leaves Geralt had added were perfectly complementary after having cooked in the drippings, and the meat was savory with their flavor. </p><p>"You got a nice sear on this." </p><p>Geralt grunted again, but he was looking at Jaskier like he was listening, so he went on. </p><p>"I think this would be splendid with a bit of lemon." </p><p>"I'll keep that in mind if we ever meet another giant serpent somewhere we can get a lemon." </p><p>"We may not want to meet another of these things." Jaskier contemplated his fork. "But if we <i>did</i>…" </p><p>"If we do, I'll try to find a way to make it happen." </p><p>That night, they sat by the fire, Jaskier cuddled up to Geralt's side, playing his lute. (A well-fed Geralt was much less prickly and surprisingly tolerant of this.) </p><p>"You know," Jaskier said, "there's quite a lot left." </p><p>"Yes, I was thinking we'd take some with us. We could make jerky."</p><p>"Snake jerky," Jaskier agreed. "Snerky." </p><p>"<i>Not</i> snerky." </p><p>They happily ate snerky until they reached an area with more plentiful food. They stuffed themselves on their first meal at a proper inn, though Jaskier still found himself thinking about the more unusual possibilities out there.</p><p>"You know," he said, as they lay in bed. (Geralt's mood was also significantly improved by a proper bed and the sex acts that were more easily performed in a proper bed.) "We could still try things."</p><p>"What things?" Geralt's tone was skeptical but convincible. </p><p>"Not proper food animals. Monsters. Don't tell me you haven't been thinking about what the others taste like."</p><p>"They don't <i>look</i> good."</p><p>"Who was still eating snerky when there was real food available?" </p><p>"As I recall, it was you still eating snerky… It was both of us." </p><p>Jaskier smiled and snuggled against Geralt's side. "Do you think griffons taste like chicken?" </p><p>"Probably no more than giant serpents do." </p><p>Griffons tasted <i>exactly</i> like chicken, Jaskier found with triumph, especially fried. Manticore eggs made deliciously spicy omelets. And kappa soup was so good Jaskier briefly considered giving up adventuring and opening a franchise restaurant. They would certainly rake in a lot more gold.</p><p>They ran into Yennefer at a seaside town being plagued by a giant tentacle monster. Jaskier supposed she was here for some kind of monetary reward for killing it. He and Geralt would take the reward, too, but they had other things in mind.</p><p>"You've been eating <i>what</i>?" she asked.</p><p>"Everything," Jaskier said. </p><p>"Have some snerky," said Geralt, offering her the last of it. </p><p>She chewed contemplatively. After that, their project required no further explanation. </p><p>"Yen," Jaskier said, leaning forward, "how do you feel about calamari? Lots and lots of calamari."</p>
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